ELLUMARE

Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day used to bring butterflies and posies
Promises of the future
The day now brings monotony and scheduled flower deliveries
Making meals, beds and less time for us
Now it's time to change the line
Reinventing butterflies and posies
Letters to your beloved of dreams and wishes
Kids in bed and time for truth
Daily love makes for closing computers
Face to face contact
No glow of screens in-between
Pencil me in
One day doesn't compare to a lifetime
Shout your love
Change the way
The brain needs to be coddled and televisions shut off

Lay in the land and melt into your lover

Sick Kids- When do you go in?

2012-02-10T09:43:00.000-08:00

So my oldest is home sick, day 2, with something flu-like, minus the goo. Fever and sad lethargy - She loves to dramatize the, well everything. So it's pretty tough trying to figure out how sick is sick and when/if to take her to the doc. We are mostly homeopathic and try not to frequent the doctor too often. So the guilt and worry seems to attack when one of my munchkins is under the weather.
So I keep pushing the water and juice-cicles and without fail she gets better. But when do you go in? There's the obvious ... When the fever is high enough, when the breathing is labored, when the funk doesn't seem to go away. Typically I leave the pediatrician with an unneeded script, feeling relieved that I was right but irritated that I drug the munchkin out of bed to get poked and prodded. I also feel like we just breathed in a plethora of other nasty germs just being there. Yipes! I have learned in my mommy-hood that instincts should always be listened to but doctors are also necessary and useful when the time is right.
So back to movies on the couch with an extra large mug of tea and more snuggles with the girl.

The Real Housewives of Everywhere

2012-02-07T19:15:00.000-08:00

So I have an obsession with The Real Housewives of Everywhere right now. Not sure what I get out of it or the damage that it does to me but I know I enjoy sidling up to my previously sleepy TV and cozying up with the remote. I think there is a direct correlation to how I’m feeling about my body, my brain and myself and how much crap-ality TV I watch. When I’m even and in love with me, I could care less about television. I don’t watch for weeks at a time. Apparently right now I’m feeling less than pleased with where the holidaze have left me. I long for the vegan goodies I’ve made with my family and find myself perusing the naughty food aisle at the market. So for now, it’s Andy Cohen and the drink throwing, cat-fighting women of gated communities everywhere.

Weekly Not Weakly

2012-02-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

This is me now picking up my blog and wogging briskly to write weekly.. not weakly. I will get my fancy sneakers on and try to get my ass motivated. Stay tuned and keep me honest.

Dear Blank Please Blank, Please stop!!

2010-07-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

Ok this is my new addiction - Just a warning that it will steal all of your spare time.

Dear Blank Please Blank

Thank You

2010-07-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dancing with a star makes me feel alight.

You showed me the worth of the spirit in flight.

The feel of the willow blowing in the night.

I am free - Thank you.

Good Luck with That

2010-07-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

In the event you are ready to absolutely freak out, just do it. Don’t think about it and don’t rationalize shit. Just do it for Christ’s sake. You will feel better instantly. Now later on you’ll feel like death warmed over and everyone will presumably hate you, but hey it will provide you with the instant gratification that you so preciously needed. You’ll pretend or forget that it happened. You’ll jump on twitter or facebook or one of the other famous lose-track-of-time implements and then you’ll see the face of that guy who fucked you over in the 10^th grade and think, what a douche and then you’ll realize “oh yeah I was a total douche this morning” and wham, you’re back in the shitter. Floating around the ether is the bad mojo you put out and you can’t reel it back in to stuff in the bin. As much as you’ll try to meditate and get zen you’ll figure that will last a few minutes until the cat jumps on your head, the dog sniffs your pit and the phone will ring. Of course on the phone will be a solicitor because everyone you know will have heard of the fit you pitched and will want to stay as far away as they can. The telemarketer will piss off as soon as you unleash your mopey crap on him and then again, you’ll be dragging your ass in despair. So go ahead and freak out on your friends and family – good luck with that.

Vegan Journey

2010-07-10T15:15:00.000-07:00

Sitting and thinking of my vegan journey, I think of the adventure I started on when I was 11 years old. My mother didn’t know what to feed a new vegan in the early 80’s so she struck a bargain with me as I started to waste away. She asked that I eat chicken and fish. I reluctantly agreed as I was starving in my bedroom that day. My truth was wavering and I didn’t yet have the strength and knowledge to stand up for myself. I continued to eat the way of the excuse-atarian for 22 years. Until one day I buzzed through a fast food drive-up and got a chicken sandwich – I took it out of the bun and looked at it. It made me gag. I became a lacto-ovo vegetarian that day. “Don’t worry,” I told my omni husband, “I’m not going vegan.” Apparently I was, I couldn’t make the excuses anymore. I had been a vegan all-along, I was just blocked.

Even though I’ve now been a vegan for 3 ½ years I feel like I’m learning every day. I still have amazingly huge struggles and hurdles. My husband is an ‘open’ omni and it is a less than ideal situation in our home with two daughters but we make it work. We have decided not to push our girls in either direction. But I do not prepare any non-vegan dishes in our home. If my husband wants meat he cooks it himself. It’s up to the girls if they want to eat the flesh. But I do find myself falling back on the excuse-atarian habits of making exceptions for certain meats. No to pepperoni and hot dogs but turkey is all right? No ham or duck but salmon is ok? This plagues me daily.

Last week in a visit to Portland we took a side trip to visit the vegan mini mall. My 7 y.o. decided to buy a t-shirt that said ‘I’m Vegan and I Love You” – She wore it out the door but I gently pulled her aside and mentioned while wearing that shirt she can only eat vegan. She wore the shirt for two days and got many more smiles and comments than negative reactions. Bailey glowed and upon our arrival back to Colorado she continued her proclamation of being vegan. A few days later she told her grandmother that she was now a vegetarian. In a harried response my mother-in-law told her that ‘you’re too young to be a vegetarian.” Later that morning, after being served a giant dish of yogurt Bailey politely pushed it aside, slipped into the other room and told me what grandma said. She said that it made her “really sad.” We talked about what different people believe and that ultimately grandma doesn’t understand what it means to be a vegan. I also mentioned that although she really cares about you, she doesn’t understand. Her confidence was shaken and I just try and support her decisions by answering questions.

I’ve done my best to accept the fact that the support I thought was there was actually not. It is thought that being vegan is just part of my quirky personality. I am humored. Let them think that but simply ‘being the vegan in the room’ has made my family and friends think about what it means to eat or not eat animals.

I know my eldest will be a vegan someday; it will be a long journey in a non-vegan family and world. It is my job as a mother to instill the truth in my girls. I hope that they run with that truth and spread the love.

All in love

2010-07-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

Loving time with my baby girls. They are growng up so fast. I’m exhausted and mentally drained but I wouldn’t trade anything for the time I have with them. Got a new tattoo – band-aid. To signify the love – general all encompassing love. It will balance out elenchos – It will provide synergy as well – there is control to be had. It’s all done in love.

Cliche

2010-07-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

Listening to music on a rainy day
So cliché to be a poet
When thinks are fucked and you know it
Haiti, The Gulf and the state of the nation
What kind of pain are we all in
To stand motionless when cages are full
Monkeys scream and children cry
Hearts and minds undeniably dull
We make ourselves sick with waste
There is no sin so great as haste

Muse

2010-07-07T20:11:00.000-07:00

A blank page stares at my face. Glowing white reflecting onto my glasses and make me want to scream. I dance then sit down at the desk once again. My muse was called upon, voila she comes. I write and listen to my own heartbeat.
The muse was hidden in a wooden box. She was alight with fear. She paced back in forth in my mind. Pleading with me to be set free. At last she is freed with the help of a healer who sees the binds and the noose.

Lying in bed sick ...

2009-09-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

Within 2 minutes of flipping blindly through television channels I heard two monumental pieces of advice that I completely needed: drive through your road blocks, and face your fears. JHC I really needed that.

I got myself in super deep, way over my head and my ego is playing games. Kicking the ego out is really tough but it's what I need to do. I need to dance and let go. I know I will make myself proud. So, tv did teach me something. Wow.

Really?

2009-09-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

Has it really been over a year since my last post?? So much going on but not much has changed. Kiddos are doing great and so are J and I - Loving the change in weather. The chill in the air feels incredible on summer skin. The garden went insane this season - zucchini and tomatoes going crazy. Enough to make plenty of yummy vegan goodies. Will post more this year, promise ...

Hunger

2008-08-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Americans don't know how to be hungry, especially American women. It is an amazing discovery. Not hunger for success or hunger to strive - Basic hunger. Hunger for food. We need to instantly feed ourselves the second we feel the first grumble. Shoving food into the mouths that pause the talking long enough to feed the beast.
We nourish ourselves in a way that others don't. I get that. I understand replacing human emotion and feeling with food. This starts with feeling hunger. But hover on that feeling for a moment - feel the control that you do have. Yes, that pause can be dangerous. Eating disorders empower that person who knows hunger and treats it incorrectly. I want you to embrace the pause for a moment and feel what it's like to be hungry. Is that what most of the world feels on a daily basis? Is it what some children feel before going to bed?
Feel the power you have over emotion, lust, need, willpower. Put the doughnut down. Feel the hunger and touch the moment in time where you can think about what you really need.
What is it that you need?

How green is your diet ...

2008-08-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

More teeth and kitties

2008-08-28T14:50:00.000-07:00

b. lost another tooth and we found c.'s bray kitty - thank the stars!
b. also started school, ok well she went 1 day and now has 5 days off. she had no issues and didn't even look to the door when c. and i left. man she is tough. but i'm a mess. the house was so quiet when c. and i got home. we laid around and moped for hours. we have a lot of adjusting to do. but in the end i am so proud of her - what an angel.

Lost a Tooth

2008-08-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

b. lost her first tooth today and i was trusted to pull it out - holy cow was it creepy. she now covets the lone tooth in her pocket and will not let the tooth fairy come into her room. she is also worrying that there is no tooth fairy in our area - "not to worry" i mentioned to her that there are typically many fairies who cover the region - her tooth will also not leave the premises according to the detailed note she left the fairy. lots of rules to follow - i feel for the winged one who enters our home tonight.
good gravy it just gets better and better.

Here Kitty Kitty Kitty

2008-08-10T16:53:00.000-07:00

c. lost THE security item of the century - gray kitty. what is a parent to do when said item goes awol?? i can't help but feeling incredibly anxious and sad. c. is taking it way better than i am - why is that? i put so much into this kitty that i can't rest well at night. i think of this poor, beaten, under stuffed and over loved creature lost in the world and i weep. okay maybe no weeping is actually occurring but i am uneasy at the fact that she is lost. many nights are fitful and c. is upset too. i'm a wimp when it comes to losing items, i admit it. i hate losing my own stuff, be it a sock, sunglasses or my car. okay i don't lose stuff permanently very often but i when i do i feel it in my heart.
longing for this pathetic looking stuffed animal is indeed taking minutes off of our sleep.
where are you 'bray' kitty??

My Birthday

2008-08-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

so it's my birthday and I have had an absolutely groovy b.day season. my girlfriends made me a yummy chocolate vegan cake last night - i am so pleased and thankful for my friends. j. gave me a belly dance painting by the phenomenal artist Michelle Torrez. the munchkinz gave me a pedicure set and as i type they are rubbing my feet. hilarious! i am feeling the love - my caffeine buzz is building and we're heading to town later. got some calls from family and it is good to be happy and healing.
last night we had an abbreviated book club with wine and a crazy book by local author Brian Holtz - If I were a teenage boy I would have loved the book. I am proud of our book club - We have been meeting for almost 3 years and have read some great books.
so the blog stuff is new to me and i will try not to blather on about myself and my kids - too much. it can get old reading about happiness. i plan to write more and more - thanks to soul cafe. love and gratitude to them. this will be a good year.

Go Veg

2008-08-05T20:17:00.000-07:00